Episode 17: When Gentle Parenting Isn't Working

What do you do when gentle parenting just isn’t working? Maybe you’ve read the books, followed the accounts, and tried your best to stay calm, but you still end up overwhelmed, with your child still having meltdowns. On today’s episode of Parenting Through Connection, we’ll be unpacking why this style of parenting can feel so hard in the moment, and why the work you’re doing matters more than you realize.

Here’s what we explore together:

• The importance of building connection and trust over time, rather than receiving immediate results
• How your nervous system and your child’s play a central role in your reactions and theirs
• The difference between boundaries that create safety and fear-based discipline that creates compliance
• Simple tools that shift your body back toward regulation
• How repair after rupture matters more than perfection

Parenting in this way is a long game built on trust, safety, and love. Remember that every moment you choose connection over control is shaping the foundation your child will stand on. If you would like guided support on your parenting journey, my parenting program, Rooted in the Middle was designed for you. Thank you for showing up, for trying again, and for choosing connection. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Parenting Through Connection. I'm Megan, a parenting coach and mom, navigating the ups and downs of raising kids in a way that feels connected, compassionate, and true to who we really are. This is the place where we ditch the chain, embrace our humanity, and explore what it really means to parent with intention. From toddlers to teens. Whether you're here for practical tips, heartfelt stories, or a reminder that there's no such thing as a bad parent, you're in the right place. Let's dive in and learn together so we can thrive in parent. So today we're diving into a question that I see popping up quite often these days, and that is what to do when gentle parenting, connected parenting, positive parenting, whatever you want to call it, just isn't working. So maybe you've read the books, you know, saved all the posts, tried to stay calm, but your child still melts down, still shows maybe some aggressive behaviors, still doesn't seem to want to listen. And you find yourself still snapping, still getting mad, still getting overwhelmed, and you're wondering if you're doing something wrong, or why none of this that you're learning is fixing your struggles as a parent. And if that sounds familiar, this episode is for you. And the truth is, right off the bat, is that gentle, connected parenting isn't supposed to make your days look perfect. It isn't supposed to make it so that nobody has a meltdown, or your child listens all the time, because that just doesn't exist. What it's meant to actually do is to help you understand what's going on with your child, what's happening beneath the behavior, and then feel confident and capable in how you respond to that behavior in your children. But when you're exhausted, overwhelmed, overstimulated, your brain actually can't access that knowledge you've gained, those books, those posts, all of those skills. That part of your brain is literally cut off in those moments. And so you're not failing as a parent, you're not failing at, you know, this new way of parenting. Instead, you or your child, or maybe even both of you, are just dysregulated and you can't access the skills you've been learning in these moments. And the reality is that so many of us come to this new way of parenting because we want to break a cycle. For whatever reason, we don't want to repeat certain things that we experienced growing up. We want to instead lead with empathy, connection, respect. But no one really told us how triggering it can be when your child's behavior mirrors some of your own childhood experiences, or how much the beliefs we grew up with, or even the expectations of our current society can really throw us for a loop. You can know every strategy in the world. But if your nervous system is in survival mode, if your child's nervous system is in survival mode, it doesn't matter. Because your brain literally can't access logic, patience, or perspective in these moments. So if you've ever thought, why can't I do this? Why do I lose it even though I know better? It's not because you're this horrible parent. It's because your body is overwhelmed. And honestly, you don't need more information. You don't need more willpower. What you need is actual skills that allow for you to have more regulation and more capacity for this. And so this type of parenting, it often feels like it's not working because the results don't look immediate. Traditional discipline, the discipline a lot of us grew up with, it does create compliance and it creates compliance fast because it's fear-based. And fear is extremely motivating for anybody. Our bodies will instantly react and respond to fear. But what we've learned is that fear-based discipline isn't what we want. It doesn't actually get the results that we're hoping for. And this new way of parenting, what we're focusing on is that connection. But connection takes time. Connection builds trust, and that takes time to build. And our child is still having a meltdown. They're still screaming. And you're thinking, well, great, this clearly isn't working. But what's really happening is you are starting to build that trust, build that connection. Your child is starting to feel safe enough to release what's been stored inside, what those emotions are. And each time you do it, they're going to learn over and over and over again that they are safe, that they are connected, that they can trust you. And safety doesn't always look peaceful. Sometimes it looks messy, loud, full of big feelings. Sometimes our kids, sometimes our own. And it's ultimate test of faith, isn't it? Staying calm while your child's emotions are anything but and trusting that you are doing the right thing for your child. One of the shifts we have to make is that this way of parenting, gentle, connected, it's not about controlling the outcome. It's about staying grounded in who you want to be, even when your child can't hit. And like everything in parenting, your nervous system plays a big part in this. Because when your system is activated, when your child hits, screams, throws, or refuses to do what you want, your brain moves into one of the two main states to begin with. And that's fight or flight. You may have heard some other ones, but these are the two that you start off with when you're first triggered. And that might look like your heart rate increasing, your breath shortens, your body gets ready to defend itself. These are your mobilizing states. And in that state, reasoning with your child is impossible for both you and them. And that's why one of the most powerful parenting tools isn't actually what you say, it's what you practice in your body. And so one of those things you can try is that when you notice your shoulders tensing or your chest tightening, try to pause. And as quickly as you can, once you notice this, don't try to push through it, don't try to get over it. Attach yourself to pause. And then if it feels right, put your hand over your heart or even on your belly and take one long slow breath in and out. Tells your body I'm safe right now. I can slow down. That this is not an emergency. And although this won't make you instantly calm, because you are a human, not a robot, it will bring you back down within your window of tolerance to access those skills again. And it sounds small, but this will actually kick in co-regulation. It's co-regulation and action. Because when you start to regulate your system, your child's nervous system is learning safety through yours, and they're going to start to match you. And that's going to make all the difference because then it's going to bring you both down, both back online. So that you can access that logic, that empathy, that connection. And let's be honest, sometimes you're doing all of these things, you may be feeling like you've done everything you're supposed to. You're validating feelings, giving choices, using calm tones, and it still doesn't work. And when that happens, I want you to ask two questions. The first one is Is my child capable of doing what I'm asking right now? Is their development even able to make it possible? Two, am I expecting emotional regulation from them that I don't even have available right now? Because if your child's brain is still developing impulse control, emotional regulation, empathy, their outburst isn't defiance. It's immaturity. And that's okay. They're learning. And if you're tired, touched out, overstimulated, you might not have regulation available either right now. You don't have capacity in this moment. And that's okay too. Because you are also learning. You can pause, you can step away, you can take care of yourself. This form of parenting doesn't mean sacrificing yourself. It doesn't mean sacrificing your own nervous system. It doesn't mean shutting down your needs or your feelings. Instead, it's about allowing yourself to be real and honoring that as you navigate these situations with your child. And one common misunderstanding about gentle parenting, this form of parenting, that I really want to add to this is that it isn't saying yes to everything. You still need to have boundaries because true connection really thrives inside boundaries. And boundaries are what helps our children feel safe. Because they say, even when I am chaos, even when I'm falling apart, there's still a limit. I'm still held within this limit. And so you can set those boundaries. You cannot let them hit. You know, when they're overwhelmed and they're lashing out and they're attacking you and they're hitting you. You can stop that. You can allow them to have those feelings while stopping that behavior. And this doesn't mean you're giving permission to hit. Instead, you're giving your child safety within the limit. And that's where regulation grows. And I'll be honest, I've had so many moments where I've sat on the floor after bedtime, after a fight with one of my kids, wondering, what am I doing wrong? And I know this work inside and out. And yet I still get dysregulated. I still mess up. But over time I've learned that every repair matters so much more than every rupture. And every time I go back and I say, you know, I'm sorry, I yelled. I'm teaching my kids that love can survive imperfection. And that's the goal. Not being perfect, but that lasting connection, that lasting trust. And so, how do you know if it's working? It's not about, you know, quieter houses, fewer tantrums. Although those might be nice. Instead, it's about noticing that your child comes to you more quickly for comfort. Maybe you bounce back from hard moments faster. When you start seeing their behavior as communication instead of defiance, when you can take that deep breath, that pause before reacting. That's what progress is looking like. And this way of parenting, it's working, it just works from the inside out. And so before I wrap up, I want to leave you with a small reflection. The next time you think this isn't working, I want to ask yourself what working even means to you. If your goal is connection, empathy, trust, those things don't grow overnight. They grow in those small repeated moments where you choose to slow down, reconnect, and try again. Even the hard moments are still part of this story. One built on love. And that means you're gonna mess up, but you're still gonna come back to each other. And if this episode resonated with you and you're realizing you need more support, not more pressure, I'd love to invite you into Rooted in the Middle. This is my main parenting program, and it is designed to help parents move from overwhelm and self-blame to regulated, confident, connected. Inside this program, we do not chase perfect parenting. Instead, I'm gonna help you focus on understanding your nervous system, learning tools that actually work in real life, and creating a home that feels safe for everyone, including you as a parent. And you can learn more through the link in the show notes. Thank you so much for being here, for showing up, for caring, for coming back and trying again and again with your kids. Connection starts right where you are right now. Not where you wish you were, not where you think you should be right now. And you're doing a lot better than you think. I'll see you next time.