Episode 22: What is the Vagus Nerve and Why it Matters with Parenting

Today on Parenting Through Connection, we're diving into the vagus nerve, a game-changer in understanding how we handle stress, connect with our kids, and regulate our emotions. This might seem like a fancy term, but it’s really quite simple. Maybe you try to stay calm under stress, but your body takes over. This is a very common occurrence, especially for parents, and it’s not something to be ashamed of. In this episode, I’ll be going over why understanding the vagus nerve is integral for healthy emotional regulation and some practical tips you can incorporate today in order to stay regulated. 

What you’ll learn in this episode:

• Why the vagus nerve is like your body’s stress switch, connecting your brain to your body and triggering either fight-or-flight or calm and connection 
• Why your stress response, and your child's, can feel automatic and how you can break free from this cycle
• Small daily practices to help you tone your vagus nerve and become a more present, patient, and empathetic parent 

Let's keep building our capacity to respond, not react, in the most challenging moments. This journey isn’t about avoiding stress, but learning how to navigate stressful situations with greater compassion and connection. 

If you’re ready to go deeper in this work, check out my Understanding Your Nervous System Guide. 

If you’re in need of 1:1 support, book a Nervous System Deep Dive Session with me here.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Parenting Through Connection. I'm Megan, a parenting coach and mom, navigating the ups and downs of raising kids in a way that feels connected, compassionate, and true to who we really are. This is the place where we ditch the chain, embrace our humanity, and explore what it really means to parent with intention. From toddlers to teens. Whether you're here for practical tips, heartfelt stories, or a reminder that there's no such thing as a bad parent, you're in the right place. Let's dive in and learn together so we can thrive in parent. So today we're going to be talking about something that has been making a lot of rounds online. You may have heard of it, but I find that a lot of things, especially on social media, don't actually fully explain what it is in a way that actually feels useful. And I'm talking about the vagus nerve. So today we're going to break down kind of what it is, why it matters, and why it can actually help us with our parenting, especially with how parenting feels. And so if you've ever kind of wondered or even said to yourself, why am I reacting like this? Why can't I calm down even when I want to? Maybe why can't my child calm down? You know, why do I always feel like my body is stuck on edge? Or why do big emotions, big tantrums, kind of the unknown even of parenting, makes me feel so overwhelmed. And this is the conversation that's going to help it make a bit more sense. And basically, if your nervous system has been running on stress for a really long time, and you notice you're reacting more than you want to, then I want to remind you that this is usually just your nervous system trying to protect you. A lot of us tend to make it more of a character flaw. We tend to shame ourselves about it, even hide it. You know, it's something that doesn't get talked about a ton. But it's actually not you doing something wrong. It's just your system is trying to give you information that something isn't working. And the vagus nerve is kind of one of those things that can help us not only understand, but also start shifting that into us being less reactive and showing up more as the parent we really are. So let's dive in with just explaining kind of what the vagus nerve even is. So the vagus nerve is one of the main nerves in your body that connects your brain to all the other parts. So it runs from your brain stem, so that bottom part of your brain, that most reactive part of your brain, and it connects to your face, your throat, heart, lungs, your digestive system, all of those things. And this is why when you're feeling you know anxious or stressed or overwhelmed, you feel a lot of those other symptoms in your body too. Like maybe your stomach is a little upset, or there's some butterflies, your you know, your breath quickens, your heart rate increases, all of those types of things. This is why. This is because the vagus nerve has been activated. Now the vagus nerve's only job is to constantly filter all the information, unconsciously, so you're not aware of it, but filter all of the information that your environment is giving you. And then cue your body to be either in safety mode where you can rest and connect, access your logic, all those things, or do you need to be in survival mode? Where that stress is now there, the overwhelm, and then the reactions. And basically that's all it comes down to. This nerve helps your body move in and out of stress and safety, depending on what's going on. And this is why it really relates a lot to your capacity. So again, it's not about being calm all the time because things are gonna be stressful, stressful things are gonna happen, but it relates to your capacity to handle that stress and be able to come back to regulation when you have a lot of stress. And this is why we need to care as parents, is because parenting can be pretty stressful, especially parenting in modern society. And when your nervous system is regulated, it makes things easier because then even when you feel a bit of stress, you can still access your patience, your empathy, your problem solving, things like flexibility, connection, all those things. But when you are then activated and your nervous system goes into survival mode, your brain now switches to becoming protective. And you're basically saying, you know, your body's saying it is not time to connect. It is time to be on the defense. And for a lot of us, this can look like snapping, yelling, shutting down, freezing, even dissociating a bit. We might have those feelings of needing to escape, being out of control, you know, rage, panic, all those things. Because our system has basically just gotten overloaded. And the only thing it wants to do is get back to safety. The thing is, our brain doesn't have a moral filter. So it doesn't say, oh, this behavior is good, this behavior is bad. It says, I need to get back to safety, and I know this behavior works. And so your vagus nerve is what is cueing your body for that and kind of letting it know which way you need to go. So there is no magic wand around this, but there are things that you can do to kind of tone your nerve. You may have heard of it, like I said from social media, the fancy term is vagal tone. All that really means is how well your vagus nerve is able to do its job accurately. Is it cuing safety versus survival? When it should be, and shifting your body back and forth as needed. So, what this can look like is a high vagal tone, it allows you to recover from stress faster, your body returns to baseline easier, you can pause before reacting, even things like feeling your emotions without being kind of swept away by them. If you have a lower vagal tone, then this can look like you're more reactive. You're getting overwhelmed really quickly, it might feel really hard to settle, and you might notice that you have a lot more anxiety, irritability, even the shutting down. And this is what happens when we have been living kind of with things like chronic stress, trauma, burnout, you know, parenting overwhelm, a really high mental load with not enough support. Those are the types of things that can factor in here. Now, if you've noticed that, this is you, maybe you're noticing you have that lower vagal tone. There are some really simple things that you can do that can help strengthen that vagal tone each day that don't require a ton of effort. So you're not having to overhaul everything, just adding in kind of a simple thing each day. And those types of things, so some ideas for you if you're looking for that, is slow rhythmic breathing can really help. Something like stimulating the dive reflex. So you may have heard of cold plunges. You do not have to go as extreme as a cold plunge. That's if you haven't heard of it, it's basically like you know, dunking yourself in an ice bath. Um, but if that sounds like a lot for you, even things like splashing cold water on your face, taking a cold shower, holding some ice cubes that are in a ziploc bag or a cloth against your face, that will be just as effective. You can also use something like humming that will stimulate your vocal cords, which can also help tone your vagus nerve. Spending time in nature, thinking positive thoughts about other people, engaging in positive social relationships, even laughing out loud, those full belly laughs, they stimulate your vagus nerve too. And if you find it beneficial, even things like engaging in prayer or mindfulness practices, mild exercise, massages, those can all help as well. So you may notice some of these things are already happening within your day. You might already go for a walk in nature. Maybe you already do some mild exercise, or maybe you know you do have some days where you're laughing out loud because your kids do something funny. And that counts as what happened in that day. That counts as toning your vagus nerve that day. But if you notice that maybe you don't do any of those things, or you're not doing those things every day, then you can bring some of this other stuff in. I know for me, I usually do mine at night as part of my bedtime routine. But if I've already done something during the day, like I know I went for a walk with my kids, or I know they did something really funny and I got that big belly laugh in, then I know I don't have to add it in at night. Unless I want to. But then I don't have to. But then on the nights I kind of think through my day and I'm like, mmm, I don't think I did anything like that. I can bring that in there. Those types of things. And what this is going to do is it's going to allow you to start increasing your capacity. And like I said, this doesn't have to be a big overhaul kind of thing. But there are those tiny little moments that you can start bringing in some safety and toning your vagus nerve. Because as it gets stronger and stronger and stronger, your capacity is going to automatically get bigger. So you're going to have way more capacity for that stress that is going to keep coming. Because our lives are sometimes just stressful. And this will allow you to be able to navigate it better. And so if you take nothing else from this episode, I do really want you to remember that when parenting feels hard, a lot of times it's usually not, you know, like I said, that character flaw or needing to do more. You don't need to do better, push harder, all those things. It's just a nervous system problem. And you just need some more support. And these simple, small activities can support you. So if you are looking for more support just around nervous system regulation, I do have a full guide that you can get started with. It's called My Understanding Your Nervous System Guide. It's a really simple guide that helps you understand what's happening in your body, spot these stress signals, build realistic regulation strategies as well. There's even a component about the vagus nerve in there, and I'll link that in the show notes. But I want to thank you for being here, and I can't wait to talk to you next time.