Episode 32: How to Set Boundaries that Work

Have you ever set a boundary with your child that felt completely reasonable, only to start second-guessing yourself the moment they became upset? Setting the limit is often the easy part; holding it through the arguing, tears, negotiation, or refusal is where things get hard. In this episode of Parenting Through Connection, I explore why boundaries can bring up so much for both us and our children, and how getting clear on what matters can help us hold limits with more confidence, compassion, and connection.

In this episode, I cover:

• Why a successful boundary doesn’t require your child to agree with it, like it, or respond calmly

• How guilt, fear, anger, and our own nervous system responses can make us overexplain, give in, or become more controlling

• Why validating your child’s disappointment or anger doesn’t mean changing the boundary

• How identifying the value underneath a boundary helps you decide what truly matters and communicate limits more intentionally

• The difference between thoughtfully choosing flexibility and abandoning a boundary because your child’s reaction feels uncomfortable

• Why follow-through, repair, and self-compassion matter more than perfect consistency when building connection and trust

Boundaries don’t have to create disconnection. We can make room for our children’s feelings while still being clear about what will and won’t happen, and we can give ourselves compassion when holding those limits feels hard. Tune in to the full episode for practical support in setting boundaries with more confidence and connection, and don’t forget to download my free 5 Steps to Setting Boundaries resource to help you put these ideas into practice at home.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Parenting Through Connection. I'm Megan, a parenting coach and mom, navigating the ups and downs of raising kids in a way that feels connected, compassionate, and true to who we really are. This is the place where we ditch the chain, embrace our humanity, and explore what it really means to parent with intention, from toddlers to teens. Whether you're here for practical tips, heartfelt stories, or a reminder that there's no such thing as a bad parent, you're in the right place. Let's dive in and learn together so we can thrive and parent. So today I want to talk about boundaries. More specifically, I want to talk about why setting boundaries with our children can feel so much harder than simply deciding what the limit should be. Because in theory, boundaries sound very straightforward. You decide what is okay or not okay with your family, you communicate it, and you follow through. But our kids do not always cooperate. In fact, frequently they don't. They will argue, cry, refuse, negotiate, or ask you the same question 15 different ways. And suddenly, the boundary that felt completely reasonable a few minutes ago starts to feel like a huge hurdle. You might begin explaining yourself over and over, or find yourself maybe softening the limit because you're feeling guilty, or you're becoming firmer or louder because you are worried that your child is not taking you seriously. Or you might even avoid setting the boundary altogether because you simply do not have the capacity for another conflict. And if you have experienced any of that, you are not alone. So many of us parents go through this. And boundaries, you know, they're not difficult because we don't, you know, care or we're not trying hard enough. But what is making them difficult is usually setting a boundary often brings up feelings, needs, fears, and even nervous system responses in both our children and in us as the parent. And a lot of planning about boundaries happens in isolation and not in the actual relationship. And that means that the words we use are really only one part of what is going on. So before we go further, I do want to clarify what I mean when I say a boundary, because I know there are a lot of different messages out there, and a lot of us have learned different things, so I want to make sure we are on the same page. So a boundary communicates what you are willing to do, what you are not willing to do, or what needs to happen in order to protect your value, need, a person, space, or relationship. So these tend to come out like I won't let you hit me, the tablet is finished for today, so I'm gonna put it away. You know, I'm available to talk when we can both speak respectfully. And this can also play out around something like even mealtime, where your child may not like dinner, but your boundary is you aren't gonna be making another thing so they can make a sandwich if they don't like what's available. What a boundary is not doing is it's not forcing your child or another person to feel differently, making them agree with you, or even preventing them from becoming upset. A boundary offers clarity about what will and will not happen with certain behaviors or situations. And this matters because a lot of us tend to believe that a boundary has only worked when our child accepts it calmly. We tend to have this idea that you know we say no, and our hope is kind of, you know, our children will nod thoughtfully and say, you know, that makes sense and follow through. And some of us even have this unconscious desire that our children are almost going to feel grateful towards us. And although all of that would be lovely, it is also not how children usually respond when a limit interrupts something they want. You know, your child is most likely not going to like the boundary. They may think it is unfair and feel disappointed, angry, frustrated, or powerless. And those feelings don't mean that your boundary is wrong. Your child's reaction is just information. It is not always an instruction that now you have to remove the limit or it's somehow too harsh or wrong. And this is one of the hardest parts of boundaries for many of us parents. Because we really care about how our children feel. So when a boundary creates distress, we may now feel responsible for making that distress disappear. And that can show up like adding more words, explaining the reason again, giving more examples. We might find ourselves trying to convince them how it is fair, or try to come up with some explanation that will make them happy about this answer. We might even offer more choices or start to backtrack on our boundary. But sometimes there is just no explanation that will make a disappointing limit feel good. And there's also times that your child is going to understand the limit, but they're still not gonna like it. They're gonna understand why bedtime matters, why they need to go to sleep, but they're still gonna want to stay awake. They might understand why, you know, you they're not allowed to hit their sibling, but they still feel furious at them. Even something like they know why you have to leave the playground, why you have to go, but they are still desperately gonna want five more minutes to play. And in those moments, showing up for our kids doesn't require us to remove the boundary. And this is where validation can really help. Validating that they want to stay, that they are angry you've said no, or that they wanted a different answer. Just this validation allows their feelings to exist without letting the actual boundary become a debate. And again, this is not always easy, especially if we grew up believing that certain emotions were disrespectful, manipulative, dramatic, or something that needed to be stopped quickly. You know, a child's anger may activate urgency in us. Crying might create some guilt. Refusal can make us feel powerless or that we are losing control. And when those reactions come up in us, we tend to start moving away from the kind of parent we actually want to be. We may give in because the discomfort is unbearable. We may become more controlling, or we might struggle to follow through, or we freeze up. Sometimes things like lecturing, threatening, bargaining, or adding more consequences start to happen. And this is where parenting from values can start to come in to help combat that. Because it's going to help us establish our why before we actually have to set any boundaries. We can understand what we are trying to protect and why it matters to us. Because if we aren't clear about the value beneath the boundary, it's much easier to get pulled into our child's reaction. For example, if your child wants to keep playing a video game when it's time to turn it off, on the surface it looks like the boundary is the game is finished. But underneath could have several values. Maybe you value rest and bedtime is approaching. Maybe you value balance between screens and other activities. Maybe you value peace and screens past a certain time create conflict. Maybe you value connection and want more family or one-on-one time. When you understand your reason, you are more likely to communicate the limit with steadiness rather than relying on things like because I said so or inventing punishments when your child protests. Clarity also helps us decide whether something truly needs to be a boundary. Because sometimes they are just preferences or inconveniences that are creating us to want to have limits or compliance. So we aren't asking because something genuinely matters, but more so out of things like habits or pressure, fear of judgment, or even that belief that a good parent should always be in control. These things may be popping up. We might also be doing it just because we are overwhelmed or stressed in the moment. And although that is very, very valid, any boundaries we try to set when we are reactive usually don't work out how we want. So pausing to ask, you know, what am I protecting here? What am I actually wanting out of this? Can help us choose our boundaries more intentionally. And this actually makes it easier to communicate it. Because having an intentional reason beneath our boundaries really does impact our tone, our presence, and our willingness to stay connected with our children no matter how they feel. This also allows for us to have more capacity to actually follow through so our actions match the boundary we communicated. Because if it's time to leave the playground, we can now follow through with helping our child move towards the car while acknowledging how hard it is to stop playing. And boundaries, they do tend to become confusing when our words say one thing, but our actions repeatedly communicate another, which can cause our kids to become more reactive and more behavioral around our boundaries. Now, this does not mean you need perfect consistency, because there are times you are going to change your mind because you receive new information, you realize maybe the boundary was unnecessary, or coming from a place that isn't very effective, or simply deciding that flexibility makes more sense right now. But changing your mind thoughtfully is a lot different than abandoning the boundary because you can't tolerate your child's response. One comes from intention, while the other one comes from reactivity. And if you do mess up because you are human and probably will, repair applies to boundaries too. You can come back, admit that things did not go as planned, apologize, and try again. Even with boundaries, we don't have to pretend we are always right. So if boundaries have felt difficult in your home, I want you to begin by releasing the idea that success means your child never pushes back. Because being a parent means that we do decide what matters. We can communicate it clearly, make room for your child's experience, and follow through in a way that aligns as closely as possible to your values. Even if your child gets upset or disagrees. And you can also be compassionate with yourself. When holding that limit brings up guilt, fear, anger, or self-doubt. Now, if you want help putting this into practice, I do have a free resource about the five steps you can use to create and execute boundaries. It walks you through a simple connection-based process for understanding the value underneath your boundary, communicating it clearly, responding to your child's reaction, and following through with more confidence and steadiness. You can download the free resource using the link in the show notes. And as you work through it, remember that the goal is not to become perfect at boundaries. Instead, it will help you become clearer about what matters, a little more compassionate towards what comes up with yourself, and more confident that connection can remain even when the answer is no. And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with other parents in your lives who might be struggling with boundaries as well. And I will see you next time.